


Stumbling Into the Fuck Haus

by ReachFor24



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, And Crack Ensued, Bitty Made A Pie, Crack, F/M, M/M, POV Original Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:33:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28099242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReachFor24/pseuds/ReachFor24
Summary: Housy just went to the Haus for a slice of pie. What he found will make him unable to look at rest of the team in the eyes for the rest of his time at Samwell.
Relationships: Adam "Holster" Birkholtz/Justin "Ransom" Oluransi, Chris "Chowder" Chow/Caitlin Farmer, Derek "Nursey" Nurse/William "Dex" Poindexter, Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann, Larissa "Lardo" Duan/Shitty Knight
Comments: 1
Kudos: 41





	Stumbling Into the Fuck Haus

Kevin Houser first came to Samwell on the Taddy Tour, hosted by an exuberant, short blond forward who loved every aspect of Samwell University. He grinned to himself at his enthusiasm, and though he wasn’t fully sure about going here to play D1 hockey, he did enjoy what he found once visiting. 

It came down to their loss in the finals of the Frozen Four, that competitiveness he saw on the ice on his TV back home, how close they were to winning the championship, that pushed him into enrolling to Samwell. He wasn’t completely crazy. He knew the team wouldn’t win it all next season, attempting to replace a legendary Jack Zimmermann on the ice is a tall order, with no upperclassmen looking to take the role. But he could tell the current team had a drive and emotion that couldn’t be matched by other teams. They seemed to be a family. Plus, Eric Bittle made a delicious mini pie for his Taddy Tour. 

After enrolling, being accepted, and moving into Samwell’s freshmen dorm, Kevin found himself at the steps of the hockey team’s house (the Haus, apparently), being greeted by Eric (nicknamed Bitty, apparently) with the rest of the freshmen (named as a group the ‘Tadpoles’, apparently). Through the tour, he followed the rest of the group through the Haus, with Tony asking questions at every stop (like Chowder’s favorite team, which had to be a chirp, right?). 

With the tour, he was given a nickname (Housy, which is better than Kevster at least), added to the Samwell Men’s Hockey groupchat, and a slice of Bitty’s pie, which was as delicious as the mini pie he had during the Taddy Tour. After the tour, everyone headed for their first practice together, with the coaches wanting to see how the freshmen gelled with the existing members. 

On the ice, Housy noticed that he probably wouldn’t make first line any time soon. A defenseman, he was paired with the tadpole who questioned everything (Tango instead of Tony now) immediately, and he thought he did well with him, especially for a first-time pairing. But between their co-captains in Ransom and Holster and the current second-line defensive pair in Dex and Nursey, he knew it wouldn’t be until his senior year for him to even have a chance to be starting. 

But he figured this would happen. He watched Samwell play. The two pairs ahead of him on the depth charts have chemistry that is difficult to replicate. And he doubted he’d want to play hockey after college anyways (except for beer leagues maybe). So, it’s no skin off his back. He’ll play his role and enjoy his four year at Samwell University. 

*******

It was about a month later when the hockey team gave him a shock he'll never forget. 

After seeing he had a message in the group chat from Bitty, Housy read it, with Bitty saying he just finished a peach pie ready to be eaten. Housy sighed as he only noticed the message about an hour after it was sent. Housy saw how he and his teammates destroyed food, especially Bitty’s cooking, so he doubted there’d be any left. But he could hope, so Housy left his dorm and headed towards the Haus. 

Walking through Lake Quad, breathing in the late September air, cooling from the peaks of summer, he paused for a moment to look out into the Pond. Thinking of the beauty on campus, he continued his stroll towards the Haus, in hopes of pie. 

As he walked up to the Haus porch, he noticed that it seemed emptier than normal. No music coming from the kitchen windows or any typical sounds from the living room. Though there is an Audi he’s never seen parked in the driveway. But Housy figured they were quietly enjoying themselves for a change, as he opened the front door and walked in. 

Once inside though, it was still seemingly quiet. A peek into the living room, he saw the TV was turned off. Satisfied that nobody was in there, he turned to the kitchen, opening the door and seeing it empty too. Normally someone is at least studying at the table, or Bitty would be baking. But an empty Haus isn’t going to stop him on his quest for pie. 

Walking in, he opened the fridge, seeing no pie chilling. Closing it and taking in the rest of the kitchen, he spotted the remnants of a pie sitting in a dish in the sink, unwashed. Even though he’s been at Samwell only a month and not at the Haus too many times in that span, he’s never seen dirty dished sitting in the kitchen unless Bitty was cooking. 

‘Strange’ Housy thought to himself, walking to the sink and grabbing the dish soap. ‘Might as well work clean this up’ he figured, washing the dish and forks that sat in the sink basin, drying them on a kitchen towel before laying the dish on the counter and finding the drawer for the forks. 

With nothing to do in the kitchen, he headed towards the front door before he heard what sounded like a groan coming from upstairs. He paused to listen again, hearing the groan again, but from another part of upstairs. Worried that someone may be alone and hurt, Housy decided to venture upstairs, turning around as he crept up the steps to the second floor. 

Reaching the top, he heard the groan again, elongated this time and coming from Bitty’s room. Stepping to the door, he heard Bitty’s voice, him speaking this time under the groan “Fuck, you like this, don’tcha.” 

Housy’s face became hot, realizing that Bitty’s not in pain, but apparently fucking someone. ‘Fuck’ he thought to himself, ‘Bitty probably thought he was alone.’ Embarrassed, Housy began to turn to creep back downstairs until he heard another voice in his room, moaning out “I love this, Bits. Harder!” Recognizing the Québécois accent as Falconer’s signee Jack Zimmermann. 

‘What the fuck!’ Housy screamed to himself. ‘Jack fucking Zimmermann is gay and Bitty’s fucking him? That explains the car, I guess.’ 

As if his ears became acutely aware, he heard more moaning, coming from the stairwell to the attic. Afraid of what else he’s going to hear, but damning his curiosity, he slowly tip toed to the attic stairs, hearing what he could just about confirm were his captains getting it on as well. 

Housy knows his face is red. He knows he’s flushed with this knowledge, and turns around, hearing a female moan this time coming from Lardo’s room. “Fuck, that mustache feels good!” she moans out, making Housy blush harder as he accidently hears the stern team manager get eaten out by a mustached man. 

He slowly heads towards the staircase leading downstairs, afraid to hear any more sex noises, when his fears become realized. In Chowder’s room, he hears grunts and skin-on-skin contact, as a female inside the room lets out gasps of pleasure. ‘Oh fuck, why is everyone living here fucking at the same time?’ Housy thinks to himself, swearing at the thin walls that make up the Haus, as he takes gentle steps down the stairs and hopefully out of the Haus. 

But before he makes it to the front door, he hears noise in the living room. Noice that can only be described as an intense makeout session. Peering over, knowing he hasn't been spotted by the continued kissing, he first sees red hair peeking over the couch, recognizing it as Dex’s hair. Suddenly, he’s turned around on the couch, with a green beanie that belongs to Nursey now peeking over the couch. ‘How are the two D-men that antagonize each other every day fucking now?’ Housy thinks, shocked and confused at the whole event that has transpired over the last 5 minutes. 

Knowing way too much, and unable to look at these people in the eyes for the rest of his time at Samwell, Housy exits the Haus, careful as to close the front door quietly, making his exit hopefully without being noticed. 

***** ******

‘I’m too naïve to think nobody would notice’ Housy thought to himself, seeing the groupchat an hour later, with Bitty asking who cleaned the pie dish in the Haus kitchen. ‘Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck’ is all that goes through his mind, as he tried to think PG-rated thoughts of his teammates, and not them all deciding an hour after demolishing a pie would be a good time to fuck. 

With a deep breath, Housy figured he can’t make the day worse for himself, so he responds to the groupchat, saying he cleaned the dish, hoping for pie but not finding any, cleaning it anyways. With the response sent, he knows at least Bitty will ask what he heard, as the most-anticipated player who’s entering the league since Kent Parson was there and apparently getting drilled by the team’s southern baker. 

Startled from his thoughts, he feels his phone vibrate with a phonecall. With the caller ID saying it’s Bitty, Housy sighs and accepts the call, starting with “Hey Bitty.” 

“Uh, hey Housy. C-Can you come down to Haus? You’re not in trouble for cleaning a pie dish, gosh I already feel awful that you cleaned up without a slice, but I’d like to talk to you for a moment.” 

“Um” Housy replied, trying to think of a quick out, to ignore the expected conversation forever, but can’t think of any good excuse, “sure, just give me 10 minutes and I’ll be there.” Housy tried to keep his voice steady, but he’s sure his nervousness is obvious, even through the tinny phone speakers. 

“Thanks, hun.” Bitty said before hanging up. 

‘Fucking hell’ Housy thought, getting up and heading out his dorm again, Haus-bound. 

As he approaches the Haus, he sees a shadow bouncing around in the kitchen window through the curtains, knowing that Bitty will probably be there. Trying to exert some of his nerves, he jumped up and down a bit as he stood at the base of the steps of the Haus porch before walking up and entering. 

Inside, it’s a much different scene than earlier. The living room is active, with Chowder, Nursey, and Dex playing Mario Kart with a guy he’s never seen before. Though looking just below his eyes, Housy sees the mustache and blushes, figuring he was the one Lardo was with. 

Instead of turning into the living room, he headed to the kitchen, finding Bitty in there alone as he’s pulling a pie out of the oven. Waiting for him to put the pie on a cooling rack, Housy knocks on the kitchen door’s frame, alerting Bitty of his presence. 

Bitty turns around, seeing Hausy, and visibly tenses up. Hausy speaks first, surprised at him finding a voice to begin with, saying “You wanted to see me Bitty?” 

Noticeably shaking himself of his tension, Bitty responds “Yeah, can you take a seat?” as he gestures to the kitchen table. Housy sits down at the table, fearing the conversation he’s about to have as Bitty takes off his apron and oven mits, taking a seat opposite of Housy at the table. Not wanting to say too much of what he heard today, he lets Bitty be the first to speak. 

Noticing the silence, Bitty starts “So, Housy. You came into the Haus for pie.” 

“Yes” Housy replied, hoping his voice was steady for the short answer. 

“And, seeing no pie, cleaned the dishes in the sink.” 

“Yes” 

“What did you do afterwards?” 

“Um, uh, I thought I heard groaning upstairs. Like someone hurt themselves while the Haus was empty.” 

Bitty blushed at this but waved his hand for Housy to continue. 

“And I, uh, headed upstairs, wanting to make sure everyone was okay. Once I reach upstairs though, I... um... heard a _lot_.” 

Housy knows his face is tomato-red, just like Bitty’s is at the moment. Bitty found his voice though, commanding “Housy, tell me _exactly_ what you heard.” 

Stuttering, Housy quietly voiced out “Uh. I-I thi-think everyone I-I heard should b-be here. For their privacy.” 

Bitty’s eyes widened, asking “Who else was here?” 

“Um. You and who you were with. I’m sure you can represent him. Uh, Holster, Ransom, Lardo, the mustached guy she was with, Chowder and the girl _he_ was with, Nursey, and Dex” Housy listed the occupants of the Haus he heard. 

With the list of names, Bitty sighed, head in his head, mumbling something Housy couldn’t hear. Suddenly, Bitty shot up from his chair, phone in hand, before asking “Do you know who I was with in my room?” 

Housy wanted to lie and say he had no clue. But he knew Bitty would see the lie on his face, so he went for honesty instead, looking decidedly at the kitchen table before saying “Yes. His secret’s safe with me.” 

Even though he tried to be reassuring with his last sentence, Housy could tell that it didn’t affect Bitty. He was clearly nervous for Jack’s career in the NHL. Nervous of their relationship and how this slip could derail _everything_. Nervous for potential fallout if he decides to make a quick buck and sells his story to some trash rag. 

In an attempt to calm him down, Housy got up and hugged Bitty, whispering “Everything will be okay. This isn’t the only secret I’ve kept. And won’t be the last.” 

Housy felt Bitty calm down against his chest, keeping hold of him until he figured Bitty was calm enough to continue. Letting go, Housy tried to give him a reassuring smile, before asking “Uh, wanna gather the rest of them so I can say sorry for hearing them all at once?” 

Thinking, Bitty replies “No. It’s gonna be awkward for you many more times, but apologize to everyone separately. Keep everyone’s business private.” 

“Okay. That works.” Housy turns around to leave, before realizing he actually didn’t say sorry. Turning around before opening the door, Housy looked at Bitty and said “Sorry for accidently hearing you in your room.” 

“I forgive you, Housy.” 

“Uh, are the captains upstairs?” 

“They should be. Before you leave, come back in here. This pie,” Bitty said, gesturing to the pie cooling on the cooling rack, “is for you, as it seems like you’ve had a long day. Especially just for some pie.” 

“Thanks, Bitty.” 

With Bitty out of the way, Housy went around the Haus, apologizing to each person for accidently hearing their business. Ransom and Holster just laughed and high fived each other, proud of their coupling. Lardo glared at him, the mustached man (apparently the Shitty that she mentioned with Tango’s questions) grinning to himself but schooling his face into his own glare when Lardo looked at him. Chowder was mortified, embarrassed for himself and his girlfriend (Caitlin, Housy gathered from Chowder professing his love for her while rambling). And lastly, Nursey and Dex begin arguing, as they mutually thought the Haus was empty and decided to make out, but they blamed each other for their hidden relationship to be caught. As Housy left them to their bickering, he finally saw it as it was, not as actual fighting but a constant stream of chirps and teases to bother each other, but not pushed so far as to actually fight. It was cute. 

After his string of apologies, Housy returned to the kitchen, finding Bitty on the phone and the pie he designated as his packed up. Housy made his presence known before grabbing the pie, getting ready to head out. Before he does though, Bitty gets his attention by saying “He’s here now. Wanna talk to him?” to the person on the phone. 

Housy absolutely does not want to apologize to Jack Zimmermann, expressing this with a throat cutting move and a head shake, very loudly saying “No!” without noise. Ignoring this, Bitty handed him the phone, a mischievous smirk on his face. ‘Bitty is evil’ Housy thought, grabbing the phone and putting it to his ear, saying “Uh, hi?” 

“Hi. You’re Housy?” 

“Yes? Who am I speaking to?” Housy asked, nervousness thick in his voice as he’s worried of Jack Zimmermann’s threats. 

“I think you know who I am, correct?” Jack said, stern in voice and cadence. 

“Um, yeah. Assuming you were with Bitty earlier today.” 

Housy winced at his own words, hearing Jack groan into the phone before replying “Then you know why you need to never mention what you heard, correct?” 

“Yes sir.” 

“Good.” Jack said, seemingly relieved with Housy’s response. He continued “We’ll try to be more discreet in the future too.” 

“Thanks.” 

“No problem. Can you hand me back to Bits?” 

With a nod of his head, even though Jack couldn’t see it, he handed the phone back to Bitty, before grabbing his pie and leaving the Haus, heading back to his dorm. 

Walking back to his dorm, the only thing he can think of is how loud he’ll have to be if he enters the Haus with it quiet in the future. ‘Maybe carrying a megaphone with me would be loud enough.’ 

**Author's Note:**

> How wouldn't everyone else know what happened? Why were they all getting down and dirty at the same time? 
> 
> I like to think Bitty added an aphrodisiac to his pie, but I don't think he'd compromise the flavors to get everyone ready to fuck.


End file.
